If you want to write, then write
(for the Kenyan philosopher Nyambura Kiarie)
You can see it if you look closely enough. Even
the comets step out in faith. The meteors. People.
Volcanoes. Even the patterns on your flesh have
a complex. Prayer to me is like air. My reading
hands are greedy for the sunlight. The palace of
the sun. The sun, well, she’s moving. Revelatory.
Even the holy is visible here. I can see it. I can see
it. I’m full of laughter and tears. My heart is open.
Willing to share the inheritance of futility and loss
found there in the silence and the empty rooms
of my childhood house. I think of how I know the
tastes of childhood trauma, like I know the smell
of spaghetti. It’s an ancient landscape. Seldom
glorious unless it is overcome. I think of the
therapists I’ve been to, how many of them have
been Indian women, and beautiful. I think of class
and speaking English proper all my life. I think
of my sadness, and then I think of you. Now let
me talk about broken families. Your wit is warm-
hearted but your heart is condescending and cold.
You call me up when you’re lonely. You’re digging,
digging, digging into me, and I’m branching out
into particles. We have to tell our stories. The
leaves here are holy. Sister has a voice of longing.
Brother’s clothes are on the bedroom floor. I
live in mother’s house. She wants me gone like
yesterday. I think that the gifts of humanity are
like the ocean. That same ocean also belongs to
my mother. The sadness that was there before is
gone now. I am caught up in a dream. I have yet
to find a being to be with, live a lifetime with,
settle down, marry, and have those children with
the angelic shine on their faces. Thank you for
not calling. Thank you for not texting me. Thank
you for this long silence. For this pain. I think of
the fact that I am no longer afraid to close my eyes.
You were something beautiful. An altar. I think of
the retreat of solitude and futility. Their exposure.
Lava. The anointed. Wherever the soul comes from.
- Abigail George 2018
Abigail George is the author of Africa Where Art Thou, Feeding the Beasts, All About My Mother, Winter in Johannesburg, Brother Wolf and Sister Wren, Sleeping Under the Kitchen Tables in Helenvale, and the novella The Scholarship Girl. She is a South African blogger, essayist, poet, short story writer, and has just completed her first novel.
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